I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
