Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
