My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
