Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
