Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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