you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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