Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize