I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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