the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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