The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
