Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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