Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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