I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
