sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
