My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't deserve a penis
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
