I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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