She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
