my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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