I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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