Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
