We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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