I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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