I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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