On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize