You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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