I wish I could punch you in the face.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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