I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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