I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
