The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
