i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
