the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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