i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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