Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
