I wish my penis had an off switch
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Bring me that man meat
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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