meet me or not, i'm out of control
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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