if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
how drunk are you?
Several
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
there is glitter all over my balls
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
