My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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