I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
