I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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