Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
