never play flip cup with pint glasses
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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