I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
