In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Are we still banned from the library?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
