Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I deserve this hangover.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
