i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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