Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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