Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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