It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
