Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
