I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
