Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
