just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
In America we eat man semen.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
