I love having hate sex.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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