Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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