Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
oh god the rape fog is back!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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