Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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