just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
