tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
