Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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