you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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