Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
